Lick That Knife....

Has it ever occurred to you that when you lick a knife literally it might cut your tongue? Well, after applying peanut butter and using the same knife to cut the bread, I was tempted to lick it when I remembered a knife is double-edged. In life many things are double edged, people are double sided and we all at sometimes employ or rather implement what we call "double standards". It also occurred to me how totally different people are. One day I am all smiles and nice to you and the next, I a totally mean and cruel person. It can be as hurting as deciding to lick the wrong side of the knife.

Let me not go into the petty and definitive explanations, but I have learnt how simple and different people are. For instance, this afternoon, I was speaking to someone about the preference of a club one might want to visit. While I chose one simply because I believed that the ambiance is good and the crowd mature, my age mate chose another club simply because if you buy 3 drinks, you get one free and or if you buy the hard liquor, you get half of our purchase. It not only surprised me, I was left speechless and mesmerised  I thought we had some things in common. Or rather we shared similar ideas for things. I guess the joke is now on me.

It reminded me of the events of last week where everything for me just turned upside down. However, right now everything changed and instead of licking the edge by doing funny things with funny people, I have decided to lick my knife in style.

 Going to the places I like, be with the people I love and do the things I enjoy to do. Note that I come just before you and I. I will always be considerate of others by putting their feelings first. I will be thoughtful by asking them how their day was, I will be caring by taking care of them whenever I can. When I have the time in my hands, I will be me and I will enjoy myself to the fullest. You have you and I have me. 

Crushed

It is with a heavy heart that I share the news of the death of my boyfriend and the love of my life yesterday through an early morning accident. Today's blog is dedicated to him. He is finally at rest.

This comes as shock to me because I was in love with him and he was the light of my life. Like a candle that has been put out, he has gone with the wind. Yesterday was one exactly one month and four days since we started dating. Ours was a special kind of love. I will miss it as much as I will miss him. When I heard the news, it was surreal. I felt like someone has taken a knife to my chest, plunged it in and twisted it.

But you know what they say, "do not mourn for the dead, rather, celebrate the life you lived. I remember him fondly as the guy who made me laugh and in a long time, I was truly happy. He was kind, thoughtful, considerate and caring. I had found my Vin Diesel at last. For a while, the going was great. I appreciate having the opportunity to love him, care for him and have him in my life. He shall be missed greatly.

Its the cruelty of life that has led to this and I don't understand how people can be so cruel, but there comes a time when people think revenge is sweet. My heart is in pieces. My mind is weighed down with all the sadness. I have no strength left in me to fight on. However, I am a survivor. He was a great guy. He will surely be missed. He is at rest. I once believed in fairy tales. but now, I am left to...

A Love Letter

They say you can get over a broken heart.I believe some people are strong enough to and others can actually move on. I believe am one of those people who despite the time taken, I did make it to move on. I have known you for a while now and I still remember the first time I saw you. The first thing you did when you stopped, you  smiled. It was a scary thought but I thought to myself, "that is one smile I would like to see forever". The week passed and all I thought of was your smile. I remember you were wearing glasses so I was not able to see your eyes but your smile lit up my life. The next time I saw you, I would look at you and I was speechless because I felt something I had not felt a long time. I felt nervous, excited, confused, shy and I was rendered speechless. 

To be honest, I had promised myself I will NEVER EVER love someone again, that was until you came along. I love the way you smile, I love the way you tease me, I love the way you talk and you teach me so many things. I love spending time with you. I love that you are a gentleman.

This is me; I love hard, I am jealous, I am hard to please, I know what I want and I always get it, (ok. not always) I treasure honest people, I have become focused and now I know what it is I want. 

This is who I was; A drunk, I pitied myself, I never wanted to wake up. I was lost and confused and I thought I would never ever get over it. 

This was my last relationship. I invested everything I had in that relationship. Love, Time, Money and Family. After all that, I LOST EVERYTHING. I have become scared, sceptical and my defence mechanism nowadays is to run...run...run away very very far away from something I know might cause me pain or hurt me. I get easily disappointed when someone fails to keep their word and to me, they prove to be unreliable. 

I have come to accept that I cannot please everyone, but I can consider their feelings. I HATE what I don't understand. I have taken time to know myself again and I enjoyed being that person. I enjoy being honest about my feelings and when I would say no to someone and meant it, despite the fact that I would feel bad for them, I would still be happy I didn't lead them on.  When you allowed me into your life and into your bed, I wanted to stay there forever. I enjoy cooking for you, I enjoy the nights I sleep in your arms and I don't want to ruin that. Every day I spend with you is a joy to behold. I don't want try and run out when things get hard. I want to stick in there. And run the course. I need you to be patient with me.

I want to make you happy, my love, I want you to be my happy lover. Would you be mine?

Once Beaten...

Many, many years ago...okay, not so many because at only 23 I have so much more to see and experience and to learn. Many might disagree but I believe this to be true. That I laugh more than 20 times a day and that is ten times more life added to my life span. I used to think that life could not get any better. I had a roof over my head, I had a warm bed everyday and hot food every evening even though sometimes I really did not feel like eating. I had a great boyfriend with whom I believed that I could never have had such a beautiful person in my life, he was my air. (rather, I felt very miserable when he was away and I believed I would die if he was not in my life). That was the kind of person I was. Always happy, always bubbly.

If anyone would have t old me months later that he and I would no longer be together, I would not have believed the person. But on a fateful day May 2 it was, my world as I knew it was shattered to pieces. I believed that I was done. See, the thing is, I never had a plan B. You know, if A goes wrong, you have something planned that will not get you down. I didn't have that. All I knew was him. All I believed is him. I went berserk, I was furious, I was confused, I was bitter, I was angry. It took me a whole month to get my head screwed on straight.

After a while, things got better, I got stronger, I became able. I got the hang of it and my life as I know it was glorious. Marriage is overrated sometimes. But then again life is never that easy. Sometimes life does a creepy crawlie on you. But I tell you people, fall in love, fall deep in love. It is the greatest thing. Whether you have been beaten and are scared to get back in the game, whether your last person hurt you so bad that you vowed never to get involved again, whether you felt that life can never go on or whether you are very sceptical about your next involvement, move on, get on that bike and ride like you can ride into the sunset.

Love is a beautiful thing. When you have a bad day and you go home and you see his smile, when you are angry and you talk to him, when you get down on the table to eat together, when you look deep into his eyes and see your future, nothing can take away that feeling. You feel like you are all alone surrounded by beautiful things that have made the time stand still.

Its in your mind and makes you tingle with great pleasure  love does strange things, but it can never break your spirit. 

In or Out

Once in life someone told me that I sound very bitter when I write, so I went down memory lane and reviewed all my posts. I found out that true, I had been a bitter woman when I was writing, probably because I had been dumped and I had vowed never to be involved with any man. I stopped believing in Fairy Tales and Happy ending and I started taking life as it is. I also noted that when I did that, I did the see the positive and glowing recommendations I got. 

However, I was not really happy because that was not I wanted to write about, neither was it what I wanted people to know. Though not every good thing has a bad ending, all our action do have their own chatted out consequences. You know...like the punishment of sin is death. The impossibility of success is failure and the outcome of school is a lower degree of ignorance and a high degree of literacy. Yes, for every action there is a consequence. 

To have a relationship  you have to be patient, so you don't walk out and leave him or beat him to death. There has to be tolerance, if the love is not there anymore, there are some habits you can stand while he loves you till you love him back again. There has to be love, so that when he falls out of love with you, you have enough love to last you both your life times. And when he makes you so angry, you remember why you loved him in the first place and forgive him. 

Yes, truly said relationships are tough to maintain. Don't look at it like that though, think about it like this, you are so thirsty and your throat is parched dry, you crave for water. Not just any water, your tap water or mineral water or flavoured water and you know where to get it, so you go there. You pick it up and head to the cashier's to pay, once there, the cashier doesn't want to serve you just yet and you have to be kind and thoughtful and considerate to ask why and what's taking so long. Finally she serves and you break the seal and drink it down. When its almost over, you don't replace the bottle immediately, you take it and pour in clean water so that the taste and smell of the previous contents can linger on in your new water.

Yes, love quenches our thirst, for loneliness, friendships and the longing to be with another. so when it comes to it, will you go in with one foot out the door or both? don't hold grudges and never go to bed angry with someone. How many times have heard this? Have we paid attention or followed it?

Emotions

Emotions are wild, soft, calm, sweet and when you experience a feeling of confusion, excitement, limited straight thinking capacity. I will tell you one thing though, there is nothing as bad as a broken heart. They say better to have loved and lost than not to  have loved at all. This is true because love love is such a wonderful feeling. Love is thoughtful, generous, careful, considerate and kind. Love is so much and when you love someone , you always know how desperate you can get trying to protect loved ones. Yes, love brings light in our lives, it brings happiness and sunshine in our lives and it makes us just a couple of years younger. Love, something you can not understand but can't leave without.

With every positive there is always a negative and we can see this from way before our time. In the garden of Eden, everything was good apart from the tree of good and bad. Right? Everything has a good and bad. Love is a beautiful thing and a broken heart as a result of that good thing? Let me not get started. A broken heart is something that I do not wish even on my worst enemy. It is a feeling that crushes your heart into tiny bit pieces and the pain cannot be repaired with anything. I experience a broken heart a couple of years back and I vowed that I will not do that again. I will not let myself love someone so much to get that feeling again.

I felt like I had been crushed and my hands and legs could not move as a result of the pain. A broken heart is indescribable. Despite forgiving and forgetting about what had happened, I remember vividly how I felt on that day it happened. It is not something I would like to go through again. We however never have the heart to control our feelings.

I feel sixteen again when I look at him, he makes me smile and he makes me want more. He lights up the days of my life, he makes me think that because of me time can stand still. He makes my heart feel warm and bubbly and I love myself better. I have fallen in love yet again an it is the most wonderful thing I have ever known.